the little chatter box

Good morning! I just woke up from an exhausting night/morning. I was working all night, and at 9:00 AM I had to go give a final. I came home with 0% energy and just knocked out. Anyway, my little introduction is over now, and I am ready to start talking about more interesting things. 

I am feeling really overwhelmed during this period of my life. I am always running around and many times I have no time for myself. I hired a tutor to help me study, because I won’t stay focused without some structure (at least I’m not in denial). I am thinking about quitting my job, and finding something more “daytime”. I am going to buy a newspaper and start to look for a new job. 

I am feeling nervous about my boyfriend. I feel like, too many people have an opinion about my matter. Everyone seems to have a piece of “helpful” advise, when really, everything I hear is about lying to him, so that he stays in “the chase”. I understand the effect of the games on men. Usually they work, and other times- you lose what you poured your heart and soul into. I am not going to listen… and I’ll just risk it. When I am alone with him, I can’t even describe what it feels like. I could stay home with him for a month and not even realize that a day has passed. I do understand that this isn’t normal. I guess I am just excited, and I need to learn to hold that excitement back, so that I don’t get hurt (or sound craaazy). Arguing with him is the worst though, the man can’t be beat! I try and I try… and it’s so irritating how, even when he isn’t right, he finds a way to come out on top. I know that I am a bit over-dramatic at times, I get that from my mother, so when he (very calmly) talks to me, I see his point and then I don’t want to be immature and blow things out of proportion. I am afraid sometimes he thinks I’m small minded….

Right now I am watching a cooking show, they are making linguini with beef tail and a red sauce… It looks better than it sounds…

I have kept my house perfectly clean and my clothing in order. I work, and go to the supermarket. In general, I worked on making it a warm little home! I am going to keep this up for as long as it takes for it to become a way of life. The gym is on hold people! I can’t study, work, go to finals and meet up with my friends AND go to the gym everyday. I go about once or twice a week :/

I am trying to find completion. I think deep down, I am really trying to fill a hole in my subconscious. I can’t say I am not happy- I have everything I have been praying for, and even though I am so overwhelmed by joy right now, I can’t restrain my thoughts from traveling off to the dark side of “what if”. I am normally so very optimistic. I shouldn’t be negative, but I can’t help it. I fear that one day, I am going to lose everything, and then what? I try to be positive, but with every one of my actions, I know I am gambling on what is the right decision or wrong one. Is this was separates good and bad people? I mean, I can’t be bad! If I were good though, would I be haunted by dilemmas as often as I am? Maybe I am just living in fear of loss, which makes me glance over my actions a few times. 

I think about these things sometimes… and it drives me nuts.